Last week I had my first painful breakup in almost three years. Circumstances made the split inevitable, but it was shitty nonetheless.
I decided from the start that I would give myself one week to wallow in my emotions, and wallow is what it I did. It sucked. It hurt. Sleep didn’t come easy for me. But as the days went by, I could feel the worst of the emotions start to subside. My anger was replaced with sadness. Then my sadness started to feel more hollow, a sense of acceptance setting in underneath it.
Now a week has passed and the time for wallowing has ended. I’m still sad, of course, but I realize that this ending represents a new opportunity for me. Not necessarily an opportunity for new romance (that’s not even a thought in my head at this point), but for self-discovery and growth.
I guess the biggest mindfuck for me is that, throughout the relationship I maintained the belief that who I was hadn’t changed, that I was still that ultra-independent person, only to realize I was dead-wrong. And that’s the crazy thing about relationships: how they change you as a person. The way you think about the world shifts from an individual perspective to one that always includes the other person. No matter how independent you try to stay, making yourself vulnerable to someone for a long period of time eventually makes them an integral part of your reality. And when it ends, you’re left feeling like a part of you is gone.
The challenge I face now is not only one of accepting the reality of the situation, but also rebuilding myself. It’s relearning how to view the world from the lense of an individual instead of a part of a relationship. It’s figuring out how to incorporate all the ways I’ve changed during the relationship into a new, independent version of myself.
I’m fortunate in that this relationship changed me in a lot of positive ways. It helped me discover and embrace my creativity. It opened my mind to new ways of looking at the world. And, even though it hurts to think about, it brought me face to face with a lot of the unpleasant parts of myself, parts that I know I need to change if I want to be a happier person in the future.
So I sit here now, feeling as though I’m at the edge of a giant cliff. Past the edge is a whole lot of unknowns. It’s dark and frightening. But going back is not an option. What’s done is done, and trying to live in the past will only lead to pain and bitterness. My only choice is to jump into the unknown and have faith that everything will be alright.
It’s a scary situation, but I’m comforted by this quote from Joseph Campbell:
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”
Now it’s time to find my treasure.
An Appetite For Beauty 